Cress 2013 Results

The winners of #Cress2013 have been decided. 

 

CIVILIAN ENTRANTS

1st place – @LucyLyons

2nd place – @Gillpea

 

CELEBRITY ENTRANTS

1st place – @Lesdennis

5th place – @driverminnie

(note that places 2nd to 4th were not awarded as no suitable applicants)

 

Signed this day, the 19th of November 2013

@Biltawulf 

@amateuradam

@dannywallace

@gary_bainbridge

@vivienneclore

@perryguitar666

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Cress 2013 – the final round

We’re eight days in and have reached the stage where your cress should be at its peak. 

All that remains is for you to submit your final photo. There are, of course, a few minor (but vital) conditions. You must read them all before making your submission.

(1) Your cress must still be on the same saucer. 

(2) You must have a metal tape measure in the picture which clearly shows the height of the cress (from root to tip).

(3)

Before we can bid you farewell

A limerick first you must tell

Your tales of success

Of growing fine cress

(And also the godawful smell) 

(The limerick must be handwritten and your own work. It must appear in the same picture as your cress. Anti-plagiarism software will be employed),

(4) A coin must be clearly visible in the picture.

(5) Your Twitter name must also be clear on the same piece of paper as the limerick.

(6) Poor quality photographs will result in disqualification. 

(7) In advance of the anticipated wave of disqualifications you must also take a photograph of your saucer without the cress on it. It is anticipated that a number of entries will be disqualified due to the use of unauthorised vessels. You will need to use your metal tape measure again to show the diameter of the saucer. Do not submit this photograph unless it is specifically requested. Unsolicited saucer shots will result in disqualification. 

(8) The picture must be submitted by midday on Saturday (UK time). Failure to do so will result in disqualification. 

(9) The picture must be submitted from the user’s own Twitter account. Pictures submitted from other accounts simply copying in the user’s name will not be accepted. 

(10) Rule 4 must be ignored. 

(11) The accompanying tweet must include “@biltawulf” and the hashtag #Cress2013

(12) No questions can be asked about the above rules. 

 

Good luck. Judging will take place on Tuesday 19th November 2013. 

 

 

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Cress round 2 appeals

IN THE CRESS COUNTY COURT

@Lukemackaycooks

v

Cress2013

____________________________________________________________________________________

Appeal against disqualification from Cress 2013

_____________________________________________________________________________________

1. The appellant is a grown man with a wife and child. 

2. On the 7th November 2013 he entered a competition to grow cress. 

3. As a base for his cress he used a baby’s nappy. 

4. His Polish cleaner expressed some concern that an apparently soiled nappy was being left lying around the house. 

5. His cleaner has now been given a warning. 

6. The appellant successfully negotiated the first round of the competition. He gained access to the second round. 

7. At the start of the second round all competitors were provided with the same set of instructions. For completeness I reproduce them here. 

It is therefore the moment where you have to post your halfway photo. Here are your instructions. READ THEM CAREFULLY.

(1) You need to take a photograph of your cress, still in it’s saucer and next to the saucer must be a piece of paper with your Twitter name written on it. 

(2) It’s a bit miserable at this time of year so I’ve decided to give you a treat instead of making you write out a codeword. Next to your saucer must be your favourite chocolate bar. After you’ve taken your photograph you can eat the chocolate bar. Be grateful, I was seriously considering one suggestion to make this the swimwear round. If you’re unable to eat chocolate then you’re disqualified. 

(3) Tweet the picture to me at @biltawulf making sure you use the hashtag #Cress2013. Failure to get this right will result in disqualification. 

(4) No more Mr Nice Guy. 

(5) Enjoy that chocolate. Remember, after posting the picture, don’t send me any more pictures of your cress until I ask. *They’re really not that exciting.

(6) You have until midday on Wednesday (UK time) to post me that picture. Good luck.”

8. The appellant was disqualified from the competition as he failed to take a picture and post it himself. Instead he callously forced his wife, barely recovered from recent childbirth, to take the photograph and post it on his behalf.

9. The exchange between the appellant and his wife makes for grim reading. 

@Lukemackaycooks: Hi @HappyBabyBlog can you buy a chocolate bar and take a photo of it with my cress before 12 noon- my plan has backfired #Cress2013

 

@Lukemackaycooks: .@HappyBabyBlog it needs to have my @ name, #cress2013 and a chocolate bar (which you can eat- YUM!) I’m sorry to drag you in to this mess.

 

@HappyBabyBlog: @Lukemackaycooks sure no problem darling! Murdo didn’t really want to go to that lovely baby class anyway!

 

@Lukemackaycooks: @HappyBabyBlog DO WHAT YOU ARE TOLD AND DON’T BE CHEEKY.

10. This judge’s attention was drawn to the exchange and after quickly checking that the appellant had not invented a means of time travel back to the middle ages a decision was made to disqualify him. This decision was made on the following basis. 

11. Rule 1 of the Second Round rules states that “You need to take a photograph of your cress, still in it’s saucer and next to the saucer must be a piece of paper with your Twitter name written on it.”

12. The appellant clearly did not take his own photograph. Indeed it was later posted from his wife’s account with the accompanying tweet. 

“@HappyBabyBlog
Can I look after my child now? #Cress2013 @Lukemackaycooks @Biltawulf pic.twitter.com/AAeO4tLWZc”

13. Accordingly the appellant was disqualified. He now seeks leave to appeal against that decision. 

14. Following the prescribed form the appellant submitted written grounds of appeal. In response to the first question on the form, “Did you post a picture with a bar of chocolate and use the hashtag #Cress2013 and direct it to @biltawulf?” the appellant responded as follows;

“YES I FUCKING DID”

15. In response to the second question on the form, “Did you post it by midday on the 13th November 2013?” the appellant responded as follows;

“YES I FUCKING DID”

16. The appellant’s response to the final question on the appeal form, “If you didn’t, what on earth are your grounds of appeal?” was, unsurprisingly;

“I FUCKING DID”

17. This tribunal is obliged to follow precedents set in the higher courts of England and Wales. Accordingly attempts were made  to obtain guidance from existing case law. This tribunal closely studied R v Brown (1992) UKHL 7  though it must be conceded that difficulty was found in applying it to the present case. 

18. The appellant’s inabilty to follow the most basic of rules has undoubtedly caused him a degree of embarrassment and humiliation. The only other competitors who failed to proceed through the second round did so because they hadn’t bothered to post their picture in time. 

19. Moreover, the appellant has, through his tweets, demonstrated that he is a misogynist dinosaur who treats females with utter contempt simply to enhance his chances of winning a cress competition. 

20. It is this behaviour, flying in the face of what society deems acceptable, that has convinced this tribunal that the appellant has a genuine, unquenchable desire to do his utmost to win this competition, no matter what harm it does to his own personal reputation.

21. The tribunal have therefore, on this occasion, decided to show mercy and allow the sad, pathetic wretch through to the final round.

20. It is further noted that the appellant is appearing in a public forum tomorrow at Borough Market running a demonstration kitchen. Perhaps appropriately, tomorrow’s demo is entitled “Slow food“. Feel free to attend and make things that little bit more challenging for him. 

21. As this appeal was sought despite some clear rule breaches on the part of the appellant, costs are awarded against him. 

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Cress 2013 Second Round Results

The following entrants remain in the competition. I also thought you’d like a quick summary of their favourite chocolate bars.

Annoyingly I’d hoped a lot more of you would fall at this hurdle. The final round (starting tomorrow) will have to be a bit more challenging. Once again, any appeals against disqualification can be lodged here.

Oh, and remember you can still give to the Philippines here. Do, it’s a good cause.

Competitors still in #Cress2013

@_yashbash – Reese’s Nutrageous

@9erwindley – Twix

@adverseken – Very Peculiar Marmite

@alan_lewis – Chomp

@aliciateepee – Mars Caramel

@AllieTimmins – Double Decker

@andreamaven – Reese’s Sticks

@AnimalBeastly – Double Decker

@AshWonderBoy – Daim

@auntselly – Montezuma

@Beakboo – Choceur Rich Almond

@bedseo – Ripple

@bekkisymes – Double Decker

@boo_radIey_ – Curlywurly

@booksandribbons

@Brypie78 – Kit Kat Dark

@Catfink1664 – Club

@chazzyb31 – Ripple

@clairewithan_i – Giant Wispa

@Cooljool80 – Jim Bean Liquers

@CrabbyPaddy72 – Toblerone

@DameDeborah – Ritter Sport

@danoftheavenue – Milky Way

@daquifsta – Marmite Very Peculiar

@David_Pearson_1 – Snickers

@dawbes – Mint Kit Kat Chunky

@deeedoc – Bournville

@Deucephine – Mars Bar

@Dexter Almighty – Crunchie

@diaryofaledger – Kit Kat

@dignut – Alpina

@disco_juan – Swiss Dark Chocolate

@DJM_real – Lindt Excellence

@Dragonwoodshed – Turkish Delight

@driverminnie – Frans Goldbites

@Durrak – Mars Bar

@Eddielewis83 – Starbar

@edincraig – Starbar

@effbeeee – Twirl

@elgrandesalmon – Twirl

@ElliMeyrick – Curlywurly

@emily_nia – Green and Blacks Organic

@Fishfaceuk – Dairy Milk Marvellous Creations

@flaming8thball – Malteasers Teasers

@fletcherchriss – Wispa

@FliesOpen – Wagon Wheels

@gazmanjones – Crunchie

@gdorean – Kinder Bar

@gillpea – Toblerone

@Gin_Genie – Flake

@gordon_to_earth – Mars Bar

@gregscress – Cadburys Whole Nut Dairy Milk

@IAmHellsBells – Fry’s Chocolate Cream

@iamrichardmh – Mars Bar

@IanOsakaian – Dairy Milk

@Innerpenguin – Lindt Lindor

@irene207 – Co-op Truly Irresistible

@jakeybate – Crunchie

@janegidman1 –  Willies Cacao Indonesian Gold

@jen_sturrock – Fudge

@jennyboners – Mint Aero

@jennyhb9 – Curlywurly

@jennylandreth – Peanut Butter Snickers

@JimRobbins – Kit Kat

@Jojobadger – Wispa

@JudgeTread – KitKat Chunky

@Justin Henry – Guinness Milk Chocolate Caramel Bar

@juux – Lindt Excellence

@kimberlyharwood – Reese’s Nutrageous

@kompani101 – Wispa

@LesDennis – Boost

@LisaD__ – Lindt Excellence (Orange)

@Lise_79 – Stratos

@louCK2012 – Lidl Arriba Superieur

@Lucy Lyons – Dairy Milk

@LukeMackayCooks* – Animal Bar

@LukewarmToddy – Toffee Crisp

@mariam_r – Wonka Chocolate Rice Cream

@Marie_Thompson1 – Crunchie

@marileemole – Rain Republic

@Martin_forsythe – Lion Bar

@marvin100 – Co-op Truly Irresistible

@maxnugget – Curlywurly

@maxtundra – Ritter Sport

@michelleleamy73 – Toffee Crisp

@mimi_ramdom – Montezuma’s Dark Chilli

@MissKirstieLou – Galaxy

@misssleepy77 – Caramel

@Mostly_grumpy – Dairy Milk

@Mothmun – Lindt Excellence (Caramel)

@Mrs_Bizzle – Ritter Sport Marzipan

@MrSquirrel_ – Snickers

@Mublyboy – Fudge

@Mucky_brogue – Green and Blacks Toffee

@muckypup – Daim

@nastypigeon – Fudge

@nawfully – Crunchie

@NickMurden – Boost

@NickyEdwards – Green and Blacks

@oberdiah – KitKat Chunky (mint)

@Pani_Bufetowa – Lindt Bar

@paulsaxton – Snickers

@pazza7 – Galaxy

@pfoagain – Flake

@pocket_punk – Breakaway

@pollyfw – Galaxy

@princessmissdee – Bounty

@rachel_london – Double Decker

@radioactiveXtoy – Boost

@Random_Penguin – Mars Bar

@retalsp – Curlywurly

@rhodri – Kit Kat Dark

@rickharwood – Double Decker

@rodgernash – Daim

@rupert_franklin – Kinder Bar

@SallyHawken – Snickers

@Sarahinrainbows – KitKat Chunky (Peanut Butter)

@sesp – Something very fancy looking

@sharnek – Starbar

@ShazzaB – Double Decker

@shazzle01 – Tayto Chocolate Bar

@siansparkles – Double Decker

@Sminkypinky76 – Wispa

@Spongey1005 – Mint Aero

@stevexross – Boost

@stillthebigOJ – Reeses

@sumarumi – White Chocolate Strawberry Crisp

@superblouse – Fry’s Orange Cream

@sweatybeam – Ripple

@sweetshopsally – Dairy Milk Snowy Delight

@swissss – Co-op Truly Irresistible

@The Squirming Priest – Daim

@the_unutterable – Mars Bar

@theantmustdance – Fry’s Peppermint Cream

@trancendance – Tiny Teaser

@twosoups – Spiced Chilli Green and Blacks

@Vnevah – Twix

@wallisalexandra – Tiffin

@wanderingretard – Starbar

@wh1sks – Starbar

@WindowDolls – Fudge

@wowser – Reese’s Nutrageous

*Following an appeal against disqualification

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Emergency Cress 2013 update.

In complete breach of the rules I have decided that given the recent horrific events in the Philippines it would do none of us any harm, and only if we are individually in the position to do so, to donate to the disaster appeal funds. I know I said that Cress 2013 was not for charity and that no charity would want to be associated, but frankly I don’t think they care. If you can give please do. If you can’t, don’t worry, times are hard here too and it won’t count against you. We’re just having a silly bit of fun but it would be nice if we could help a bit. 

Donate through the Cress 2013 Justgiving page here

Sorry for going a bit soft. x

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Cress 2013 – Day 4 (Round 2)

Halfway through – doesn’t time fly? If you’ve managed to get this far it’s more likely to be due to my benevolence and leniency, rather than you sticking rigidly to the rules. 

Hopefully by now your cress will be giving off a rather pungent odour and attracting rather unflattering comments from anyone who comes into contact with it. That doesn’t matter. Sadly, I can’t smell your cress, but I am VERY* excited about seeing how it’s progressing.

It is therefore the moment where you have to post your halfway photo. Here are your instructions. READ THEM CAREFULLY.

(1) You need to take a photograph of your cress, still in it’s saucer and next to the saucer must be a piece of paper with your Twitter name written on it. 

(2) It’s a bit miserable at this time of year so I’ve decided to give you a treat instead of making you write out a codeword. Next to your saucer must be your favourite chocolate bar. After you’ve taken your photograph you can eat the chocolate bar. Be grateful, I was seriously considering one suggestion to make this the swimwear round. If you’re unable to eat chocolate then you’re disqualified. 

(3) Tweet the picture to me at @biltawulf making sure you use the hashtag #Cress2013. Failure to get this right will result in disqualification. 

(4) No more Mr Nice Guy. 

(5) Enjoy that chocolate. Remember, after posting the picture, don’t send me any more pictures of your cress until I ask. *They’re really not that exciting.

(6) You have until midday on Wednesday (UK time) to post me that picture. Good luck. 

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Cress 2013 – Appeals against disqualification

The following appeals were received this evening. I will deal with each in turn.

R v @TheCatsDaughter

This appellant appeals on the basis that she’s just taking part “in any way I can”. She did not enter the competition at the correct time and did not submit a picture. Appeal is dismissed

R v @judemymum

The appellant claims to have received her Cress Pack, submitted a photo and contends that the tweet submitted contained the hashtag #Cress2013 and “@biltawulf”. Unfortunately this was a lie, as is evidenced below.

Image

The appeal is dismissed.

R v Lucanesque

The appellant submits that he entered the competition properly, submitted a photo and included the hashtag and “@biltawulf”. He then claims “I failed to submit my photo in time because I was being forced to entertain t’other half’s friends for brunch. But, they were sown on time. Tried to invent time machine to go back and submit pic within timescales stated in the rules, found that was impossible so drank a bottle of Baileys to make it all better. *bottle of Baileys not to proper scale :(“

The appellant clearly admits that he failed to submit his entry in the designated time period. The available period spanned two days. Appeal is dismissed.

R v Catherinelm

The appellant rightly states that she properly entered the competition and received cress. She accepts that she has not yet submitted a photograph. She appeals on the basis that “I have been away for a long weekend. I left home Thursday morning and I return this evening. I am fully intending to plant my cress then.”

As part of her appeal she relies on the support of others;

@Biltawulf @Catherinelm She was staying with me. I demand you let her continue. Disqualify me.”

and

@taranoodle @Biltawulf @Catherinelm Valid excuse methinks! Disqualify ME!!!!”

The first supporter, @taranoodle, suggests that she be disqualified in place of the appellant. This is not within the rules. The second supporter, @Jezzebela, demands that she be disqualified instead. As she is not a competitor, this is clearly not possible.

It is noted that the appellant is already three days behind in an eight day contest. It is also of interest that the appellant was aware of the risks of leaving her cress at home. Aware that the competition was beginning on the 7th November 2013, she tweeted on the 6th November 2013, “

@Biltawulf nooooooooooooo. I’m travelling for. 5 hours on a train tomorrow. Should I take #cress & saucer with me?”

She knew the risks and travelled without her cress regardless. In the circumstances, her appeal is dismissed.

R v @MattRedmore

The appellant concedes that he did not submit his tweet with photo. He claims that “Tweet failed to send, like an idiot I didn’t notice. Issue with linking my twitter account to my photos in iPhone settings.”

I think we could all claim that. It’s a tough world. Appeal dismissed.

R v @luckylisp_uk

The appellant properly submits that she entered the competition and received a Cress Pack. She accepts that she submitted a photo of her cress but failed to use the hashtag/@biltawulf terms correctly. She further appeals that “I am shite on my phone… and am exhausted after a day of willy swabbing and basically dropped the ball )no pun intended) … AAW COME ON GIVE ME A CHANCE!!!!”

Of further note is that the appellant has been trying to compete using two different Twitter names causing the organisers much confusion. Accordingly, her appeal is dismissed.

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