Cress Competition 2013

So it’s happening. Two years ago I swore that I would never organise such a ridiculous event again. The whole thing was an utter shambles. People were unable to follow simple rules, bombarded me with inane questions and generally caused me two weeks of utter stress and simple frustration with the entire human race. Still, this is how it ended up.

Never mind, I need to fill some of my time so we’re going with it once more. Here is the basic deal.

I will send you free of charge a pack of cress seeds and a set of rules. You will follow the rules to the letter or be disqualified.

The ultimate aim is to grow the best cress in the time that I decide. Marks will be deducted for ridiculous questions, mould growing on the cress, racism and any other factors that I and the other judges (who I will appoint) decide upon.

Most importantly, this is not for charity. Too much stuff is and we all get sick of people asking for money so, just once, let’s do it for fun. If it turns out not to be fun I will not be held responsible.

Also, wherever you grow your cress, be warned, after a few days, it will stink.

The winner will receive a prize. It might be good, but it probably won’t. It’s the taking part, right?

You will need to be prepared to enter your full postal address on the form that I set up. I won’t use the information you provide for anything else because I have nothing to sell to you. I’ll ask for your real name and your Twitter name. It’s easier if you provide your real name (I won’t disclose it) in case you have to pick up your packet from the Post Office.

I’m probably going to limit this to 200 entrants (unless someone gives me loads of money – I’m not a charity either).

Entrants from outside the UK may struggle depending on the Post Office rules for sending cress. We’ll see.

Any questions – I’ll disqualify you. I hope that’s clear.

Here’s the application form [SORRY, ENTRIES ARE NOW CLOSED]

Good luck

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