Welcome to the World’s Greatest Cress Competition. If you want to know more about it then click here.
Before you enter it’s important you read and understand the rules. By completing and submitting the entry form you acknowledge complete acceptance and willingness to adhere to the rules. NOBODY IS FORCING YOU TO DO THIS.
Good, now that we’re clear, here they are.
- The judges’ decision is final. This is pretty straightforward. That said, there will be more than one judge, what if the judges don’t agree? Then obviously we’ll go with the majority decision. But hold on, last time there were six judges, how will this work? I don’t know, maybe appoint seven? Fine.
- Entry is initially by way of ballot. Entry applications will be accepted for a period of one week. This is new, what brought this on? Great question, well, it turns out that buying and sending out cress is really, really expensive. Last time I had to send out 238 packs. What if 1,000 people enter? It would cost me a fortune. Are 1,000 people really likely to enter? Look, the internet is weird.
- Only those who enter the initial ballot can take part in the competition. This seems obvious, why would this be a rule? Because although the first 100 entries drawn will be sent their own cress (I will actually put all the entries in a hat and draw them live on Periscope) entry won’t be limited to those who actually receive the Cress Pack, they’ll just be slightly better off. Entrants who aren’t allocated a pack in the ballot will still be able to buy their own cress (from an approved supplier – details to follow). This also allows the citizens of Australia who, because of sensible and rigid rules regarding the importation of flora and fauna have been unable to take part previously, a way in to the competition. See, this is truly a global event – cress has no borders.
- This is important and perhaps is really just reiterating rule 3, but you cannot take part without entering the initial ballot. It’s just one of the rules. But why? Look, it helps keep track of who’s actually taking part, I’ve not got a clever computer program to help collate and monitor all of this. I’ve got Twitter and a few bits of A4 paper. Please don’t try and make it harder than it already is.
- You’ll need a Twitter account to take part. If you don’t have a Twitter account then sign up online and get one. They’re free. You’d be surprised how upset this can make people – I think they suspect that I work for the FBI and will start monitoring them. God, I’d love to work for the FBI. I’d have a gun and a badge and I’d file reports each morning and then Skinner would tell me just to forget about it and I’d get so angry and frustrated but I’d keep pursuing the case because deep down I’d know how important it was.
- After a week I will draw the ballot and Cress Packs will be sent to the successful applicants. Those entrants who weren’t successful, together with any Australian entrants, will be given instructions as to where they can obtain the correct cress seeds. It’s a minor detail, but it’s important that as far as possible, for parity, we’re all using the same stuff. I’m not in the pocket of the cress suppliers, though actually, if any want to cut me in on a deal, I’m all ears.
- When discussing the game on social media please use the hashtag #Crexit. This isn’t a weird attempt to get it trending, it’s much more straightforward than that. It’s amazing I know, but some people use social media for things other than talking about cress. They use it for discussing politics, law, music, art, poetry and where to get a link to an illegal live feed of a sporting event. Talk of cress really, inexplicably, annoys them and I end up getting blocked by a lot of people. That hurts, it hurts a lot. By using the hashtag #Crexit, you give these people the chance to mute those tweets.
- No one under the age of 18 can take part. Anyone mentioning that their children are growing cress will be disqualified. No. One. Cares. They get everything, apprenticeships, VAT-free shoes, discounts at Cineworld, TWO of their own BBC channels. Well I’m sick of it, this is for grown-ups. Also, it means we can swear without harming their precious little minds. Don’t overdo it, obviously, but every now and then it feels great just to throw an obscenity in there.
- Entries must be individual, you cannot enter as a couple. Just weird. Frankly, if you’re entering a competition like this I’d be amazed if you’re in a couple, but there we are.
- The judging panel will be selected by me. Judges will not be allowed to enter the competition.
- Names of judges and their BACS details will be publicly available.
- Photographs of your cress will be required at both the start and end of the competition and perhaps, halfway through. These photographs need to be well-lit and of a decent resolution. There’s no excuse for not managing this anymore. If the camera on your phone is really that bad, then borrow someone else’s. It’s hard enough judging this stuff anyway, at least give us a chance. Also, last time I ended up putting some entries up on a big screen – this is impossible if they are all blocky.
- By entering you surrender all intellectual property rights to the pictures of your cress and any associated tweets. Look I don’t make any money out of this, but if some publisher comes along and offers me a six-album deal then of course I’m going to take it and don’t want to have to come running to you for permission. Also, I’ll leave your Twitter name next to the photo anyway as otherwise it’s just a picture of some cress.
- I will give 3 days notice of the starting date of the competition. This will be a time when I am satisfied that the vast bulk of entrants have received their cress.
- You start growing at the same time as everyone else. This can easily be monitored by me posting a codeword for you to photograph next to your seeds on day one. Your photo must be submitted within 12 hours of the start time. If you can’t manage this, then you’re out. You’d think that instruction would be fairly straightforward, but no, people even mess this up.
- The growing period will be for a period of not more and not less than 8 days. We could just say 8 days.
- At the end of the growing period, entrants will have a maximum of 12 hours to submit their entries. Don’t give me any of that nonsense about being away from home or something. You’ve got 12 hours. Take the stuff with you, plan your life better, I don’t know, be an adult.
- The winners will be published online. If prizes are awarded they will be sent out within 7 days. I don’t think I ever got round to sending out a prize last time, I had a lot going on in my life. You don’t need to know about it. Anyway, I’m out of prison now if you have to know.
- If you are disqualified then there will be an opportunity to appeal your disqualification. The appeals process will be open and in writing. Accordingly, whilst the appeals process is underway you should continue to grow your cress.
- Your entry must be all your own work.
- Your brief is to represent what the year 2016 has meant to you as powerfully as possible using cress as a medium. Although fully-grown cress must make up the bulk of your work, you are allowed to introduce other materials. Be creative, be imaginative, express yourselves. Keep it decent though.
- The final work must be viewable as a still photograph. Videos will be accepted for extra kudos, but will not be considered as part of the judging process.
- The rules are subject to emergency amendment should circumstances require it. If I get annoyed with your constant criticism or questioning I’ll disqualify you.
50. This is a secret rule too important to explain to the plebs.
Entries will be accepted up until 3pm GMT on Thursday 17th November 2016.