Cress 2016 – Let’s go!

Cress – Growing Season – Final Rules


  1. These rules supersede and where appropriate replace all previously published rules in relation to this tournament. Okay, wordy start, basically these are the rules. But if something isn’t covered here and was earlier, then we go by that.
  1. The judges decision remains final, even if it seems ludicrous or irrational. These judges are very important people, probably with huge egos (except Bainbridge, obviously, the man is clearly broken).
  1. You can commence growing your seeds once you have posted a photograph of them in their packaging next to your shoes. The picture must be posted on Twitter with two hashtags – #Crexit and #Entry. Look, that means you post a tweet with a picture of your cress seeds next to your shoes and in the tweet you write #Crexit and #Entry. I don’t know if I can make this any more straightforward. I mean, everyone has shoes so I figured this should be manageable, though I have no doubt a fair percentage of you will mess it up. It’s incredible, this is like the loony test we used to do when we were little, except even simpler. God, you people annoy me.
  1. Some of you, because of weird customs officials or the Royal Mail, certainly not due to any error or omission on my part, may have not received any cress. All is not lost. You have two options. If you have access to it, you can buy some Common or Garden Cress (it must be Lepidium sativum). If you do not have access to it then on this occasion, because it’s for charity, I will allow you to improvise. How you do this is your business, but whatever you choose to use must start as seeds and must grow. It cannot be a mammal, bird or fish. However, to be eligible for this option, you must be able to provide a credible explanation as to why you cannot obtain cress and the explanation must be a minimum of 200 words. A separate form will be posted online to allow this explanation.
  1. Your brief is to represent what the year 2016 has meant to you as powerfully as possible using cress as a medium. Although fully-grown cress must make up the bulk of your work, you are allowed to introduce other materials. I’m not going to give any examples of what you could do. This is entirely up to you. Be creative, be imaginative, express yourselves. Keep it decent though. 
  1. Some of you are not as artistic or creative as others. I recognise this (I’ve seen your tweets, it’s like reading Gregg Wallace’s timeline). I wanted to give you a chance of winning something, so excitingly I’ve introduced a new element to the competition. You, the nerds, have your chance, I’m creating a parallel competition, the Engineers Championship if you will. Each competitor will start the competition with an arbitrary 100 points. Points will be awarded and deducted for complying with/failing to comply with instructions. The winner of the Engineers Championship will be the person with the highest number of points at the point that I close the competition. Instructions may be given at any point during the competition but to take into account different time zones, you will be given 12 hours to comply with them.
  1. This is the Holy Grail. If you are able, without breaking any laws, to sabotage another competitor’s entry, you will be eligible, at the judges discretion, to a bonus 50 points.
  1. The competition is being run to test the brutal resolve and creativity of the participants. However, as you may have observed, it is also being used as a medium for obtaining lots of money for Children in Need. The person able to obtain the highest number of retweets for the JustGiving page ( will receive an extra 100 points. How you achieve this is up to you. If you can get @Jack or Justin Bieber tweeting about it then you’ve probably won.
  1. Throughout all this it is essential that on any Cress-related tweet you use the hashtag #Crexit. You’ll face having points deducted if you don’t – some members of society have no interest in cress and start blocking us when it keeps appearing unwanted in their timeline. If you use a hashtag they can at least mute it.
  1. Further instructions will be issued throughout the week. It’s up to you to keep up to date with what’s going on. It should be fairly obvious that you need to check Twitter every 12 hours. I’m not chasing after you – if you can’t manage this then you’re open to humiliation.
  1. If you start asking questions for which the answers have already been published, or for which the answers are bleeding obvious, you will be deducted points.
  1. If you are questioning 11 then maybe this isn’t for you.
  1. It is recognised that sometimes people are unable to accept the decisions of those better than them at the first instance. To appease those idiots, an appeals system is in place for those entrants deducted 50 points or more in one single incident. A form will be placed online and appeals will be dealt with within 48 hours. People who end up making multiple appeals face disqualification from both elements of the competition.
  1. Hey ho, let’s go! (I just bought my first Ramones t-shirt)
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