Cress round 2 appeals

IN THE CRESS COUNTY COURT

@Lukemackaycooks

v

Cress2013

____________________________________________________________________________________

Appeal against disqualification from Cress 2013

_____________________________________________________________________________________

1. The appellant is a grown man with a wife and child. 

2. On the 7th November 2013 he entered a competition to grow cress. 

3. As a base for his cress he used a baby’s nappy. 

4. His Polish cleaner expressed some concern that an apparently soiled nappy was being left lying around the house. 

5. His cleaner has now been given a warning. 

6. The appellant successfully negotiated the first round of the competition. He gained access to the second round. 

7. At the start of the second round all competitors were provided with the same set of instructions. For completeness I reproduce them here. 

“It is therefore the moment where you have to post your halfway photo. Here are your instructions. READ THEM CAREFULLY.

(1) You need to take a photograph of your cress, still in it’s saucer and next to the saucer must be a piece of paper with your Twitter name written on it. 

(2) It’s a bit miserable at this time of year so I’ve decided to give you a treat instead of making you write out a codeword. Next to your saucer must be your favourite chocolate bar. After you’ve taken your photograph you can eat the chocolate bar. Be grateful, I was seriously considering one suggestion to make this the swimwear round. If you’re unable to eat chocolate then you’re disqualified. 

(3) Tweet the picture to me at @biltawulf making sure you use the hashtag #Cress2013. Failure to get this right will result in disqualification. 

(4) No more Mr Nice Guy. 

(5) Enjoy that chocolate. Remember, after posting the picture, don’t send me any more pictures of your cress until I ask. *They’re really not that exciting.

(6) You have until midday on Wednesday (UK time) to post me that picture. Good luck.”

8. The appellant was disqualified from the competition as he failed to take a picture and post it himself. Instead he callously forced his wife, barely recovered from recent childbirth, to take the photograph and post it on his behalf.

9. The exchange between the appellant and his wife makes for grim reading. 

@Lukemackaycooks: Hi @HappyBabyBlog can you buy a chocolate bar and take a photo of it with my cress before 12 noon- my plan has backfired #Cress2013

 

@Lukemackaycooks: .@HappyBabyBlog it needs to have my @ name, #cress2013 and a chocolate bar (which you can eat- YUM!) I’m sorry to drag you in to this mess.

 

@HappyBabyBlog: @Lukemackaycooks sure no problem darling! Murdo didn’t really want to go to that lovely baby class anyway!

 

@Lukemackaycooks: @HappyBabyBlog DO WHAT YOU ARE TOLD AND DON’T BE CHEEKY.

10. This judge’s attention was drawn to the exchange and after quickly checking that the appellant had not invented a means of time travel back to the middle ages a decision was made to disqualify him. This decision was made on the following basis. 

11. Rule 1 of the Second Round rules states that “You need to take a photograph of your cress, still in it’s saucer and next to the saucer must be a piece of paper with your Twitter name written on it.”

12. The appellant clearly did not take his own photograph. Indeed it was later posted from his wife’s account with the accompanying tweet. 

“@HappyBabyBlog
Can I look after my child now? #Cress2013 @Lukemackaycooks @Biltawulf pic.twitter.com/AAeO4tLWZc”

13. Accordingly the appellant was disqualified. He now seeks leave to appeal against that decision. 

14. Following the prescribed form the appellant submitted written grounds of appeal. In response to the first question on the form, “Did you post a picture with a bar of chocolate and use the hashtag #Cress2013 and direct it to @biltawulf?” the appellant responded as follows;

“YES I FUCKING DID”

15. In response to the second question on the form, “Did you post it by midday on the 13th November 2013?” the appellant responded as follows;

“YES I FUCKING DID”

16. The appellant’s response to the final question on the appeal form, “If you didn’t, what on earth are your grounds of appeal?” was, unsurprisingly;

“I FUCKING DID”

17. This tribunal is obliged to follow precedents set in the higher courts of England and Wales. Accordingly attempts were made  to obtain guidance from existing case law. This tribunal closely studied R v Brown (1992) UKHL 7  though it must be conceded that difficulty was found in applying it to the present case. 

18. The appellant’s inabilty to follow the most basic of rules has undoubtedly caused him a degree of embarrassment and humiliation. The only other competitors who failed to proceed through the second round did so because they hadn’t bothered to post their picture in time. 

19. Moreover, the appellant has, through his tweets, demonstrated that he is a misogynist dinosaur who treats females with utter contempt simply to enhance his chances of winning a cress competition. 

20. It is this behaviour, flying in the face of what society deems acceptable, that has convinced this tribunal that the appellant has a genuine, unquenchable desire to do his utmost to win this competition, no matter what harm it does to his own personal reputation.

21. The tribunal have therefore, on this occasion, decided to show mercy and allow the sad, pathetic wretch through to the final round.

20. It is further noted that the appellant is appearing in a public forum tomorrow at Borough Market running a demonstration kitchen. Perhaps appropriately, tomorrow’s demo is entitled “Slow food“. Feel free to attend and make things that little bit more challenging for him. 

21. As this appeal was sought despite some clear rule breaches on the part of the appellant, costs are awarded against him. 

Cress 2013 Second Round Results

The following entrants remain in the competition. I also thought you’d like a quick summary of their favourite chocolate bars.

Annoyingly I’d hoped a lot more of you would fall at this hurdle. The final round (starting tomorrow) will have to be a bit more challenging. Once again, any appeals against disqualification can be lodged here.

Oh, and remember you can still give to the Philippines here. Do, it’s a good cause.

Competitors still in #Cress2013

@_yashbash – Reese’s Nutrageous

@9erwindley – Twix

@adverseken – Very Peculiar Marmite

@alan_lewis – Chomp

@aliciateepee – Mars Caramel

@AllieTimmins – Double Decker

@andreamaven – Reese’s Sticks

@AnimalBeastly – Double Decker

@AshWonderBoy – Daim

@auntselly – Montezuma

@Beakboo – Choceur Rich Almond

@bedseo – Ripple

@bekkisymes – Double Decker

@boo_radIey_ – Curlywurly

@booksandribbons

@Brypie78 – Kit Kat Dark

@Catfink1664 – Club

@chazzyb31 – Ripple

@clairewithan_i – Giant Wispa

@Cooljool80 – Jim Bean Liquers

@CrabbyPaddy72 – Toblerone

@DameDeborah – Ritter Sport

@danoftheavenue – Milky Way

@daquifsta – Marmite Very Peculiar

@David_Pearson_1 – Snickers

@dawbes – Mint Kit Kat Chunky

@deeedoc – Bournville

@Deucephine – Mars Bar

@Dexter Almighty – Crunchie

@diaryofaledger – Kit Kat

@dignut – Alpina

@disco_juan – Swiss Dark Chocolate

@DJM_real – Lindt Excellence

@Dragonwoodshed – Turkish Delight

@driverminnie – Frans Goldbites

@Durrak – Mars Bar

@Eddielewis83 – Starbar

@edincraig – Starbar

@effbeeee – Twirl

@elgrandesalmon – Twirl

@ElliMeyrick – Curlywurly

@emily_nia – Green and Blacks Organic

@Fishfaceuk – Dairy Milk Marvellous Creations

@flaming8thball – Malteasers Teasers

@fletcherchriss – Wispa

@FliesOpen – Wagon Wheels

@gazmanjones – Crunchie

@gdorean – Kinder Bar

@gillpea – Toblerone

@Gin_Genie – Flake

@gordon_to_earth – Mars Bar

@gregscress – Cadburys Whole Nut Dairy Milk

@IAmHellsBells – Fry’s Chocolate Cream

@iamrichardmh – Mars Bar

@IanOsakaian – Dairy Milk

@Innerpenguin – Lindt Lindor

@irene207 – Co-op Truly Irresistible

@jakeybate – Crunchie

@janegidman1 –  Willies Cacao Indonesian Gold

@jen_sturrock – Fudge

@jennyboners – Mint Aero

@jennyhb9 – Curlywurly

@jennylandreth – Peanut Butter Snickers

@JimRobbins – Kit Kat

@Jojobadger – Wispa

@JudgeTread – KitKat Chunky

@Justin Henry – Guinness Milk Chocolate Caramel Bar

@juux – Lindt Excellence

@kimberlyharwood – Reese’s Nutrageous

@kompani101 – Wispa

@LesDennis – Boost

@LisaD__ – Lindt Excellence (Orange)

@Lise_79 – Stratos

@louCK2012 – Lidl Arriba Superieur

@Lucy Lyons – Dairy Milk

@LukeMackayCooks* – Animal Bar

@LukewarmToddy – Toffee Crisp

@mariam_r – Wonka Chocolate Rice Cream

@Marie_Thompson1 – Crunchie

@marileemole – Rain Republic

@Martin_forsythe – Lion Bar

@marvin100 – Co-op Truly Irresistible

@maxnugget – Curlywurly

@maxtundra – Ritter Sport

@michelleleamy73 – Toffee Crisp

@mimi_ramdom – Montezuma’s Dark Chilli

@MissKirstieLou – Galaxy

@misssleepy77 – Caramel

@Mostly_grumpy – Dairy Milk

@Mothmun – Lindt Excellence (Caramel)

@Mrs_Bizzle – Ritter Sport Marzipan

@MrSquirrel_ – Snickers

@Mublyboy – Fudge

@Mucky_brogue – Green and Blacks Toffee

@muckypup – Daim

@nastypigeon – Fudge

@nawfully – Crunchie

@NickMurden – Boost

@NickyEdwards – Green and Blacks

@oberdiah – KitKat Chunky (mint)

@Pani_Bufetowa – Lindt Bar

@paulsaxton – Snickers

@pazza7 – Galaxy

@pfoagain – Flake

@pocket_punk – Breakaway

@pollyfw – Galaxy

@princessmissdee – Bounty

@rachel_london – Double Decker

@radioactiveXtoy – Boost

@Random_Penguin – Mars Bar

@retalsp – Curlywurly

@rhodri – Kit Kat Dark

@rickharwood – Double Decker

@rodgernash – Daim

@rupert_franklin – Kinder Bar

@SallyHawken – Snickers

@Sarahinrainbows – KitKat Chunky (Peanut Butter)

@sesp – Something very fancy looking

@sharnek – Starbar

@ShazzaB – Double Decker

@shazzle01 – Tayto Chocolate Bar

@siansparkles – Double Decker

@Sminkypinky76 – Wispa

@Spongey1005 – Mint Aero

@stevexross – Boost

@stillthebigOJ – Reeses

@sumarumi – White Chocolate Strawberry Crisp

@superblouse – Fry’s Orange Cream

@sweatybeam – Ripple

@sweetshopsally – Dairy Milk Snowy Delight

@swissss – Co-op Truly Irresistible

@The Squirming Priest – Daim

@the_unutterable – Mars Bar

@theantmustdance – Fry’s Peppermint Cream

@trancendance – Tiny Teaser

@twosoups – Spiced Chilli Green and Blacks

@Vnevah – Twix

@wallisalexandra – Tiffin

@wanderingretard – Starbar

@wh1sks – Starbar

@WindowDolls – Fudge

@wowser – Reese’s Nutrageous

*Following an appeal against disqualification

Emergency Cress 2013 update.

In complete breach of the rules I have decided that given the recent horrific events in the Philippines it would do none of us any harm, and only if we are individually in the position to do so, to donate to the disaster appeal funds. I know I said that Cress 2013 was not for charity and that no charity would want to be associated, but frankly I don’t think they care. If you can give please do. If you can’t, don’t worry, times are hard here too and it won’t count against you. We’re just having a silly bit of fun but it would be nice if we could help a bit. 

Donate through the Cress 2013 Justgiving page here. 

Sorry for going a bit soft. x

Cress 2013 – Day 4 (Round 2)

Halfway through – doesn’t time fly? If you’ve managed to get this far it’s more likely to be due to my benevolence and leniency, rather than you sticking rigidly to the rules. 

Hopefully by now your cress will be giving off a rather pungent odour and attracting rather unflattering comments from anyone who comes into contact with it. That doesn’t matter. Sadly, I can’t smell your cress, but I am VERY* excited about seeing how it’s progressing.

It is therefore the moment where you have to post your halfway photo. Here are your instructions. READ THEM CAREFULLY.

(1) You need to take a photograph of your cress, still in it’s saucer and next to the saucer must be a piece of paper with your Twitter name written on it. 

(2) It’s a bit miserable at this time of year so I’ve decided to give you a treat instead of making you write out a codeword. Next to your saucer must be your favourite chocolate bar. After you’ve taken your photograph you can eat the chocolate bar. Be grateful, I was seriously considering one suggestion to make this the swimwear round. If you’re unable to eat chocolate then you’re disqualified. 

(3) Tweet the picture to me at @biltawulf making sure you use the hashtag #Cress2013. Failure to get this right will result in disqualification. 

(4) No more Mr Nice Guy. 

(5) Enjoy that chocolate. Remember, after posting the picture, don’t send me any more pictures of your cress until I ask. *They’re really not that exciting.

(6) You have until midday on Wednesday (UK time) to post me that picture. Good luck. 

Cress 2013 – Appeals against disqualification

The following appeals were received this evening. I will deal with each in turn.

R v @TheCatsDaughter

This appellant appeals on the basis that she’s just taking part “in any way I can”. She did not enter the competition at the correct time and did not submit a picture. Appeal is dismissed

R v @judemymum

The appellant claims to have received her Cress Pack, submitted a photo and contends that the tweet submitted contained the hashtag #Cress2013 and “@biltawulf”. Unfortunately this was a lie, as is evidenced below.

The appeal is dismissed.

R v Lucanesque

The appellant submits that he entered the competition properly, submitted a photo and included the hashtag and “@biltawulf”. He then claims “I failed to submit my photo in time because I was being forced to entertain t’other half’s friends for brunch. But, they were sown on time. Tried to invent time machine to go back and submit pic within timescales stated in the rules, found that was impossible so drank a bottle of Baileys to make it all better. *bottle of Baileys not to proper scale :(”

The appellant clearly admits that he failed to submit his entry in the designated time period. The available period spanned two days. Appeal is dismissed.

R v Catherinelm

The appellant rightly states that she properly entered the competition and received cress. She accepts that she has not yet submitted a photograph. She appeals on the basis that “I have been away for a long weekend. I left home Thursday morning and I return this evening. I am fully intending to plant my cress then.”

As part of her appeal she relies on the support of others;

“‏@taranoodle

@Biltawulf @Catherinelm She was staying with me. I demand you let her continue. Disqualify me.”

and

“‏@Jezzebela

@taranoodle @Biltawulf @Catherinelm Valid excuse methinks! Disqualify ME!!!!”

The first supporter, @taranoodle, suggests that she be disqualified in place of the appellant. This is not within the rules. The second supporter, @Jezzebela, demands that she be disqualified instead. As she is not a competitor, this is clearly not possible.

It is noted that the appellant is already three days behind in an eight day contest. It is also of interest that the appellant was aware of the risks of leaving her cress at home. Aware that the competition was beginning on the 7th November 2013, she tweeted on the 6th November 2013, ”

“‏@Catherinelm

@Biltawulf nooooooooooooo. I’m travelling for. 5 hours on a train tomorrow. Should I take #cress & saucer with me?”

She knew the risks and travelled without her cress regardless. In the circumstances, her appeal is dismissed.

R v @MattRedmore

The appellant concedes that he did not submit his tweet with photo. He claims that “Tweet failed to send, like an idiot I didn’t notice. Issue with linking my twitter account to my photos in iPhone settings.”

I think we could all claim that. It’s a tough world. Appeal dismissed.

R v @luckylisp_uk

The appellant properly submits that she entered the competition and received a Cress Pack. She accepts that she submitted a photo of her cress but failed to use the hashtag/@biltawulf terms correctly. She further appeals that “I am shite on my phone… and am exhausted after a day of willy swabbing and basically dropped the ball )no pun intended) … AAW COME ON GIVE ME A CHANCE!!!!”

Of further note is that the appellant has been trying to compete using two different Twitter names causing the organisers much confusion. Accordingly, her appeal is dismissed.

Cress 2013 – End of Round One

The following people kept closely enough to the rules to be granted a pass to the second round of Cress beginning tomorrow. If your name does not appear in the list below that means you have been disqualified. If you feel your disqualification was unfair then you are invited to appeal using this form. Many of the disqualifications were because people couldn’t be arsed to plant the seeds that they had applied for and that I had packed and posted using my own money. They may want to think about their actions. 

Competitors through to Round Two of Cress 2013

@_yashbash

@9erwindley

@adverseken

@alan_lewis

@aliciateepee

@AllieTimmins

@andreamaven

@AnimalBeastly

@AshWonderBoy

@auntselly

@Beakboo

@bedseo

@bekkisymes

@ben_cameron

@boo_radIey_

@booksandribbons

@Brypie78

@Catfink1664

@chazzyb31

@clairewithan_i

@ClareSutcliffe

@Cooljool80

@CrabbyPaddy72

@DameDeborah

@danoftheavenue

@daquifsta

@David_Pearson_1

@dawbes

@Debsa

@deeedoc

@Deucephine

@Dexter Almighty

@diaryofaledger

@dignut

@dindandem

@Dinomite

@disco_juan

@DJM_real

@Dragonwoodshed

@driverminnie

@Durrak

@Eddielewis83

@edincraig

@effbeeee

@elgrandesalmon

@ElliMeyrick

@emily_nia

@firewasp

@Fishfaceuk

@flaming8thball

@fletcherchriss

@FliesOpen

@gazmanjones

@gdorean

@gillpea

@Gin_Genie

@gregscress

@gordon_to_earth

@hulatommy

@IAmHellsBells

@iamjamesward

@iamrichardmh

@IanOsakaian

@Innerpenguin

@irene207

@jakeybate

@janegidman1

@jen_sturrock

@jennyboners

@jennyhb9

@jennylandreth

@JimRobbins

@Jojobadger

@JudgeTread

@Justin Henry

@juux

@kimberlyharwood

@kompani101

@LesDennis

@LisaD__

@Lise_79

@louCK2012

@Lucy Lyons

@lukemackaycooks

@LukewarmToddy

@mariam_r

@Marie_Thompson1

@marileemole

@Martin_forsythe

@marvin100

@maxnugget

@maxtundra

@michelleleamy73

@mimi_ramdom

@MissKirstieLou

@misssleepy77

@Mostly_grumpy

@Mothmun

@Mrs_Bizzle

@MrSquirrel_

@Mublyboy

@Mucky_brogue

@muckypup

@nastypigeon

@nawfully

@neilbvickery

@NickMurden

@NickyEdwards

@oberdiah

@Pani_Bufetowa

@paulsaxton

@pazza7

@pfoagain

@pocket_punk

@pollyfw

@princessmissdee

@rachel_london

@radioactiveXtoy

@Random_Penguin

@re_Claire

@retalsp

@rhodri

@richpinabruzzo

@rickharwood

@rodgernash

@rupert_franklin

@SallyHawken

@Sarahinrainbows

@seany85

@sesp

@sharnek

@ShazzaB

@shazzle01

@siansparkles

@Sminkypinky76

@spencerhaines

@spongey1005

@stevexross

@stillthebigOJ

@sumarumi

@superblouse

@sweatybeam

@sweetshopsally

@swissss

@Taranoodle

@The Squirming Priest

@the_unutterable

@theantmustdance

@TomboyPrincess

@trancendance

@turnout_trout

@twosoups

@Vnevah

@wallisalexandra

@wanderingretard

@wh1sks

@WindowDolls

@wowser

Cress 2013 – Day 1

So this is it. You’ve got your seeds, you’ve got your saucer and you’ve got an enormous amount of enthusiasm. Now you want to begin. 

Here’s how;

(1) You need to plant your seeds in your saucer (remember, no saucer means you’re disqualified). 

(2) You can use cotton wool as your base in the saucer, but if you want to try something more exciting, that’s okay too. 

(3) You need to take a picture of your seeds in situ. Next to the seeds on a piece of paper you need to write the codeword. Actually it’s a codephrase. Though the rules forbid any charity fundraising to be done through Cress2013 they do not forbid people from being nice. Therefore, given it is but a week away, the phrase is “Support Children in Need”. 

(4) Underneath the codephrase you need to write your Twitter name. Failure to do so will result in disqualification. 

(5) Post the picture to me on Twitter. Make sure you use the hashtag #Cress2013. Failure to do so is likely to result in disqualification. 

(6) Don’t ask me any questions that have already been covered in the rules. Refresh your memory by re-reading (or reading) the rules (below). Any dumb questions may lead to disqualification. 

(7) Extra Cress points may be awarded for including your own face in your photograph. Cress points may be a useful asset when the judges consider disqualification. 

(8) I think that’s it, don’t worry if you can’t get this picture in tonight, you’ve got until Saturday at midday (UK time). Failure to have submitted it by then will result in disqualification. 

(9) Ready

(10) Steady

(11) GROW!

 

Cress 2013 Judging Panel

In light of this year’s complicated rule structure a dedicated and ruthless panel have been put together to oversee the final decision.

Further to earlier editions of this post there is now a woman judge. Truly, we are in 2013.

Tiahowler Jon Von Biltawülf (@Biltawulf)

Biltawulf ran his first cress competition in 2011. He organised it after a night out in a pub where he promised someone (he can’t remember who) that he would do it (he can’t remember why). What he anticipated would be an amusing light-hearted competition turned into the most stressful two weeks of his life, dealing with simpletons unable to follow the most basic of rules. He swore never to undertake such a challenge again. Happily he is not a man of his word.

Dr Adam Kay (@amateuradam)

Adam is a comedy writer and lifelong cress enthusiast. He first grew cress at the age of 5 at a nursery in Dulwich, and has been hooked ever since – growing cress every 26 years since then. He is an extremely judgemental person, and was therefore the natural choice for the role of judge.

Peredur ap Gwynedd (@Perryguitar666)

Perry is a guitarist with the drum and bass group Pendulum and has headlined with them at Bestival as well as making appearances at Glastonbury and Download. He has previously worked with Natalie Imbruglia, Norman Cook, Tinie Tempah and Sophie Ellis Bextor. Despite having appeared as a judge on the Welsh talent show  “Waw Ffactor”, he was utterly confused by the invitation to join the panel of judges and said yes in a moment of blind panic.

Danny Wallace (@dannywallace)

Danny is a filmmaker, comedian, writer, actor and presenter. His 2005 book “Yes Man” was turned into a major Hollywood movie starring Jim Carrey. He has a weekly column in Shortlist Magazine. His Wikipedia entry reads like he is a man who has done everything. Yet Danny has never been a judge in an international cress competition. He is looking forward immensely to remedying this failure.

Gary Bainbridge (@Gary_Bainbridge)

Gary is a writer and columnist for the Liverpool Daily Post. He is also the author of the commercially acclaimed book “The Man With The Complicated Voucher” and has just released his latest epic “A Snid of Milk”. Gary is ambivalent about judging cress and senses it’ll be just another enormous waste of his time.

Vivienne Clore (@Vivienneclore)

Vivienne is an established talent agent (Jo Brand, Rufus Hound, Bridget Christie and Susan Calman to name but a few) of many decades standing (and many more sitting) due in part to a fondness for sprouting and nurturing seeds. She loved to grow cress as a child and many were the sodden layers of tissues discarded after a successful growth spurt.  She says that in honour of being asked to judge this cress growing flashmob , she has changed her Twitter name to Cressida Clore.  Bizarrely she also claims that she will be the best judge “cos let’s face it I’m the only woman”. She expects to obtain the exclusive agenting rights to the winning cress.

Cress 2013 – The Rules

Below are the rules for Cress 2013.

Cress Packs will be sent out early next week. The judging panel will be announced here shortly.

1. The judges’ decision on all matters will be final.
2. The competition is entirely self-funded. Any entrants who attempt to make a donation towards costs will be seen as committing bribery and immediately disqualified.
3. The competition is not being run to assist any charity. This will be a tough and at times, mean-spirited event. By the end, no charity will want to be associated with it. Any entrant suggesting that donations could be made towards any charity will be disqualified immediately.
4. Each competitor will receive their own “Cress Pack”. Each Cress Pack will contain a pre-measured amount of cress in one of those little plastic bags that drug dealers sell cannabis in. None of the plastic bags sent out in the Cress Packs will contain Cannabis.
5. Due to meddling customs officials, Cress Packs sent overseas will arrive complete with a commercially wrapped packet of cress. It’s a bit more expensive for me and maybe next time these entrants should consider not living overseas. Entrants receiving these packs will receive additional guidance on how much cress they should be planting.
6. Anybody complaining about any aspect of the organisation of the competition will be disqualified immediately.
7. All cress must be grown in a saucer.
8. Anyone without a saucer will be disqualified immediately (what sort of animals are you?).
9. Any entrant who uses a growing vessel other than a saucer will be disqualified immediately.
10. Cotton wool is the usual base for growing cress. This year however, experimentation is encouraged.
11. On the first day of the competition (to be announced when we are satisfied that the majority of Cress Packs have been received a code word will be released on Twitter. Entrants must take a photograph of their cress seeds in the saucer alongside the code word written on a piece of paper. This ensures that no entrants will be able to get a head start. All photographs must be posted using the hashtag #Cress2013.
12. Anyone failing to use the hashtag #Cress2013 when posting photos will be disqualified. The reason for the hashtag is to allow those without any interest in Cress (the majority of decent, normal people) to mute tweets about it from their timelines.
13. Anyone misspelling the codeword will be disqualified.
14. On day 4 of the competition a further code word will be issued. Entrants must again take a photograph of their cress alongside the codeword using the hashtag #Cress2013. Failure to do so will result in disqualification.
15. On day 8 of the competition a final codeword will be issued. Again a photograph must be taken and tweeted using the hashtag #Cress2013. This will be your entry to go before the judges. A metal tape measure must be placed next to the cress so height can be assessed.
16. During the competition anyone sending unsolicited pictures of cress to any of the judges will be disqualified. Nobody has any interest in cress.
17. Anyone mentioning that their children are growing cress will be disqualified. They are not eligible for the competition.
18. In contrast to the previous competition experimentation with growing techniques will be encouraged. Feel free to use hydroponic systems and advanced nutritional methods.

Cress Competition 2013

So it’s happening. Two years ago I swore that I would never organise such a ridiculous event again. The whole thing was an utter shambles. People were unable to follow simple rules, bombarded me with inane questions and generally caused me two weeks of utter stress and simple frustration with the entire human race. Still, this is how it ended up.

Never mind, I need to fill some of my time so we’re going with it once more. Here is the basic deal.

I will send you free of charge a pack of cress seeds and a set of rules. You will follow the rules to the letter or be disqualified.

The ultimate aim is to grow the best cress in the time that I decide. Marks will be deducted for ridiculous questions, mould growing on the cress, racism and any other factors that I and the other judges (who I will appoint) decide upon.

Most importantly, this is not for charity. Too much stuff is and we all get sick of people asking for money so, just once, let’s do it for fun. If it turns out not to be fun I will not be held responsible.

Also, wherever you grow your cress, be warned, after a few days, it will stink.

The winner will receive a prize. It might be good, but it probably won’t. It’s the taking part, right?

You will need to be prepared to enter your full postal address on the form that I set up. I won’t use the information you provide for anything else because I have nothing to sell to you. I’ll ask for your real name and your Twitter name. It’s easier if you provide your real name (I won’t disclose it) in case you have to pick up your packet from the Post Office.

I’m probably going to limit this to 200 entrants (unless someone gives me loads of money – I’m not a charity either).

Entrants from outside the UK may struggle depending on the Post Office rules for sending cress. We’ll see.

Any questions – I’ll disqualify you. I hope that’s clear.

Here’s the application form [SORRY, ENTRIES ARE NOW CLOSED]

Good luck